#TruthTalk #2 : Anxiety about the future

In a story arc, there's always a fake success, followed by a genuine success. For me, I think I have had over one fake success. Maybe that's because of my stubbornness to give up on what I "like/love" doing, versus what I believe will give me a secure lifestyle.

Money is important.

Happiness is important.

Security is important.

But right now it seems like the former is the only one that guarantees survival in this inhospitable world.

Dramatic, yes. But isn't it true? With money comes security, with security comes less anxiety, and on and on it goes until you end up living a life where you have a wide variety of things you could do on the side.

It's so harmful to choose what you love that even family members stop supporting you along the way.

Maybe it's because they don't get it.

Or maybe not.

I have wanted to be an editor since I started my undergraduate career. I love books; I love words, and I love fixing little details. But unfortunately for me, everyone has decided that I would earn no money as an editor.

The pandemic already drained my positivity dry when I realized I wouldn't be doing an internship for the second summer in a row. I feel like all my plans, all the things I thought I had planned out well, thinking "No matter what other people say, I have to live the life that I love" has come apart like a thread on a t-shirt being pulled loose. I undid the whole composition of the shirt, and its existence just... disappeared.

I have done nothing useful. I've pursued unpaid internships because I really want an authentic learning experience, but nothing seems like it really gave me anything. No valuable connections, nothing.

My heart is sinking and every morning when I wake up I wonder whether I am doing anything right with my life. Writing a book, trying to do things on my own...I'm failing and failing and then at the last minute I reach out into the air but obviously there's nothing to grab onto.

All my life-ever since I started writing-I have just wanted to spend my days doing that. I have just wanted to be so immersed in my book that time goes from morning to night in a snap of my fingers.

I want nothing else.

I don't want to give up, because I know I'm destined to go where I want to be. To be happy and doing something that I genuinely don't mind slogging for.

And sometimes I think that's just the cheesy side of me-the one who's saying that I need to "do what I love", and that side of me is constantly battling with the side of me that wants to be practical and save myself the long struggle of growth as a writer.

But then I think I'd rather struggle and complain and end up loving my job more than disliking it. I don't think I am the person who can be "practical" about my career. And what I mean by that is that it is a priority that I love my job, not that I have a lot of money, or the security and comfort that comes with money.

Stability will come when I grow from doing something I love and enjoy putting my time into. Even if that means I'll feel worn out sometimes, I know that it'll be worth it!

With all the stuff that's going on, I think it's natural to be anxious about the future. But, as a student and someone who is still learning how to live life, I have to say that I have spent a long time ignoring the phrase "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."

It doesn't mean spend all your time procrastinating and predicting the worst. It just means that you need to have a Plan B, if plan A doesn't work out. Attempt to do that, and you'll find that your anxiety will fade away little by little.

-May